Many of the television seriesMASH’s best quotes come from the clever Hawkeye. Played by Alan Alda, the wise-cracking Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce became one ofMASH’s most likable characters. Arguably, the show wouldn’t be the same without this comic relief character who often shows his heart of gold. Hawkeye had many notable quotes throughout the series that ranged from sarcastic to heartfelt.
MASHran for 11 seasons, from 1972 to 1983. The show is set in a mobile hospital during the Korean War. It follows the lives of the American doctors and soldiers at the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (or MASH). Manyepisodes ofMASHhave been rewatchablefor over 50 years since the series ended, a testament to the show’s strength while airing.A major part of why the show and its humor still work is because of Hawkeye’s sass and antics, which are always entertaining.
15"I Want A Martini That Could Be Declared A Disaster Area."
Season 3, Episode 10: “There Is Nothing Like a Nurse”
Though he takes his work as a doctor seriously, Hawkeye often likes to let loose, especially in the form of a drink. Throughout the series,Hawkeye is shown drinking hundreds of alcoholic beverages, including many martinis. At one point, he even claims his lifelong quest is to find the driest martini he can.
In his order to the bartender in a season 3 episode, Hawkeye requests, “A very dry, arid, barren, desiccated, veritable dust bowl of a martini.” This emphasizes how particular he is about his drinking habits. It also shows his creativity, especially in his clever wordplay. His close friend Trapper also piles onto the order and shows his support, requesting the drink be served with two straws.
14"I’m Not Sleeping, I’m Inspecting The Inside Of My Eyelids."
Season 3, Episode 3: “Officer of the Day”
Hawkeye thrives off of witty one-liners and sassy retorts, exemplifying his quick-thinking skills. In the season 3 episode,Hawkeye is declared the Officer of the Daywhile Frank is away. With this title, he gets an armband and a sidearm holster, though he refuses to carry a gun.
Hawkeye uses his OD duty to nap, though Radar is adamant that he should be working. After Radar questions why Hawkeye is sleeping, he quickly retorts, “I’m not sleeping, I’m inspecting the inside of my eyelids.“Hawkeye uses militaristic leadership terms like “inspecting” to humorous effect, especially since it almost seems official enough to get rid of Radar. However, Hawkeye ultimately wakes up to help a local bystander in need of medical attention.
13"There Are No Innocent Bystanders In Hell, But War Is Chock Full Of Them.”
Season 5, Episode 20: “The General’s Practitioner”
In a rare moment of seriousness,Hawkeye reflects on the many tragedies he has seen during the war. While he and his coworkers are in surgery together, helping to stitch up people, they also chat about what’s happening. This conversation helps to create discourse, lightening their mood and the show’s tone, which can be very serious if not for the comedic relief moments.
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As Hawkeye and everyone are working,he discusses the tragedy of who it is they often have to operate on. Hawkeye says that war is worse than Hell because everyone who ends up in Hell deserves to be there, while war usually involves many innocent bystanders. The crew all agree that while they are happy to help those victims, it’s a shame they had to be involved in the war.
12"Now I Know Why They Shoot People At Sunrise. Who Wants To Live At Six In The Morning?”
Season 7, Episode 1: “Commander Pierce”
In the first episode of season 7, Hawkeye is put in charge of the camp while the other leaders are away. This promotion is to Hawkeye’s great displeasure, as he realizes all the responsibilities of leading the camp. Of course,Hawkeye also sees how to use his new power to make things easier for himself.
When reporting to Radar at 6 AM the next morning, Hawkeye stumbles into the office in a robe and requests that he be left alone to sleep.He clears off the desk and lays his head down, ready for a nap, as if the new wake-up call was much earlier than he is used to. This is much to Radar’s horror, who worries the paperwork will not be completed in time, and Hawkeye refuses to take the job seriously.
11"Frank Showed Up Here Cracked."
Season 2, Episode 1: “Divided We Stand”
Hawkeye never misses an opportunity to make fun of the Major as part of his long-standing feud with Frank.Hawkeye is driven by his mischievous nature to disobey authorityand make fun of an easy target like Frank. Often, Frank doesn’t even realize he is the butt of the joke until it is too late, only fueling Hawkeye’s jabs.
Even when Hawkeye does seem sympathetic to Frank, he often has ulterior motives. When Frank refutes Captain Hildebrand’s claim that he’s cracked because of the war, Hawkeye seems to jump to Frank’s defense. However, the other shoe drops, as Hawkeye says Frank was cracked when he arrived, claiming he was holding “a Bible in one hand and a pair of shorts that said ‘Hold Me’ in the other.” By the time Frank realizes what Hawkeye is insinuating, it’s almost too late to rebuff.
10"I’m Taking Along My Right Side Arm And My Left Side Arm."
Season 5, Episode 10: “Hawkeye Get Your Gun”
In the episode, Hawkeye is randomly chosen to accompany Potter to leave the base and provide additional aid to a Korean Hospital. As the two get into the Jeep, Potter notices that Hawkeye doesn’t have his gun. When questioned about his firearms,Hawkeye is quick to come up with excuses about where his gun isand why he chooses not to carry it.
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The two men have a back-and-forth, where Hawkeye refers to his gun like an old lover. When Potter asks about the “sidearm,” Hawkeye retorts that he has two side arms, referring to his hands. Potter does not find this funny, and finally, Hawkeye relents and brings his gun.The episode is filled with Hawkeye’s anti-weapon anticsas he refuses to fire.
9"Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention."
Season 1, Episode 17: “Sometimes You Hear the Bullet”
Never one to miss an opportunity to joke,Hawkeye sometimes makes himself look like a fool to goad others. When Hawkeye walks into the operating room during a sensitive conversation with Frank. Frank, who is already on the defensive, snaps at Hawkeye, asking why he is there.
Seeming to take Frank’s question literally, Hawkeye quickly claims to have a stethoscope fetish. This is obviously a joke, which appears to be at Hawkeye’s expense but is actually another jab at Frank, making fun of him for asking an obvious question. Hawkeye then doubles down,calling Frank an idiot and then correcting it to “Major Idiot,” considering Frank’s military ranking.
8"I Discussed You With Everyone I Know. They All Think You’re Disgusting."
Season 5, Episode 3: “Margaret’s Engagement”
Hawkeye takes a more supportive role in this Frank-centric episode, though he still can’t help but make fun of Frank a little. Frank walks into the room upset and walks up to Hawkeye, thinking he can catch him off guard.He tells Hawkeye, “You disgust me.“But before he can get in another word, Hawkeye uses his words against him, telling him that he “discussed” him, and the consensus is that Frank himself is disgusting.
Alda also directed this episode of the show.
Frank is not in the mood to be made fun of like this. But throughout the episode, the men bond more than usual, withHawkeye’s sympathetic side coming outwhile Frank is in a time of need. The men even share a few laughs by the end of the episode, though their dynamic remains relatively hostile throughout the series.
Season 3, Episode 5: “O.R”
In an unusually dark episode ofMASH, the doctors deal with a lot of deaths and casualties during a long session in the operating room. The episode has a notably darker tone, even with Hawkeye’s occasional quip. Under the face of such pressure and importance,Hawkeye struggles to be funny, knowing when to take his work seriously.This wasMASH’s first episode without a laugh track.
While they work, Hawkeye questions why the Americans are under attack. In a semi-sarcastic monologue, he discusses the intentions of the U.S. soldiers, putting a somewhat cynical twist on the military’s goals. To all this, Frank calls Hawkeye “certifiably insane.” Hawkeye’s speech here is rather notable, asMASHwas created as a metaphor and critique of the Vietnam War, which was ongoing during the time of the show’s production, drawing parallels between real life and the fictional world.
In an ongoing bit,Hawkeye notably doesn’t like the food they are served at the camp.He’s constantly dismayed at the state of the food and its smells and textures. He is even known for ruining the meals for the other doctors, as he complains and investigates the consistency too much, making it hard to stomach.
Hawkeye has many quotes throughout the show where he discusses and complains about the food. There are even references to their meals being leftovers from WWII, which would have occurred almost a decade earlier. In the quote,Hawkeye directly references his distaste for the mess hall food,requesting that it be made unpalatable so he knows what to expect.
